


Bad and wrong but love don’t get any better

by crookedspoon



Series: Spicing up the Autumn 2017 [14]
Category: American Horror Story: Cult
Genre: Anal Sex, F/M, I Don't Even Know, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, My First Work in This Fandom, No Dialogue, POV Winter Anderson, Pain Kink, Past Abuse, Sibling Incest, fear kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2019-01-18 09:07:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12385131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crookedspoon/pseuds/crookedspoon
Summary: Loving Kai (or whatever it is she's doing) is a way to self-harm, too. A way tofeel.





	Bad and wrong but love don’t get any better

**Author's Note:**

> For Day #14 "Incest" at Kinktober.

Fear is a normal response, Vincent used to say. It helps keep us alive.

So if we don't feel fear, does that mean we're no longer alive?

Winter has been turning this over in her mind a lot, especially when the world around her is leaving her numb.

She doesn't feel fear. 

She doesn't feel anything.

She wonders if she doesn't feel fear because of a chemical imbalance in her brain, or if she doesn't feel fear because there's something seriously wrong with her.

In the former case, Vincent might be able to help her out with the right medication if she talked to him about it, but in the latter case... well, that is not something she is considering yet. Sometimes, she is simply comfortable being numb.

But not always. Before, when she still had to get used to that feeling of nothingness inside, she used to self-harm as a way of finding out whether she was still capable of feeling anything at all.

Perhaps that was also why she'd let Scottie Mickels do anal. She'd heard from other girls that it would hurt and she'd thought, how bad could it be?

Pain is a sensation, and she wanted that. Sometimes, anything is better than nothing at all.

Ever since her parents' death she had been falling into a hole she couldn't crawl out of by herself. Not because she had loved them so much and was grieving over their loss – though she did miss her mother – but because her father was no longer hurting her.

She had fled to college to escape him, but the mere knowledge of having to return for the holidays filled her with life-affirming dread.

Sometimes she wonders if Kai had noticed it and decided to help her out in his own twisted way, or whether twisted is all he is and that he practiced his little cruelties on her. Winter would like to believe that she was his first victim, that he got to where he is today because she helped him get there. It would make her feel special somehow, a little blip in that barren emotional landscape of hers.

Does it matter if she was his first victim or his second or his three hundredth, as long as he came to her eventually, twisted her – literally – around his pinkie, and manipulated her into doing his bidding? She's not sure if it does, so it probably doesn't, because Kai's focus is absolute and when it's shifted onto her, she feels like no one else exists in the world. As though she was his most important person.

It makes her feel... something. Fondness, perhaps. Love. She doesn't know. It doesn't matter. It's unstable, which is why he has to keep her close, to reapply it often.

And she stays, because in a way, she likes the fear he instills in her. His crazy focus on revolution and his willingness to kill for it stirs something inside her and that something should be violent disgust, but instead it's more like interest, like lust.

Perhaps there really is something wrong with her. Perhaps it runs in her family.

Because she never tells Kai to stop when he winds his arms around her, when he kisses her neck, when he fingers her. When he wants to know about her sexual exploits. Who knows why he does it? Perhaps it excites him, crossing boundaries, finding out what others have done to her body, what she's let them do, what she has done to others herself. Perhaps he's taking pointers. She figures it's just one of his sick games and to push him away or shut him out would make him lose respect for her.

No, that's not really why she lets it happen. She suspects it has more to do with the complicated mix of emotions he manages to unearth: fear, lust, shame, anger, need – it's all there in a tightly packed ball beneath her skin, and it's amazing.

There's power in it, too, knowing her brother wants her so much he can't help but touch her, knowing he gets jealous when she tells him of her partners, knowing he'd kill them if they ever hurt her in a way she doesn't enjoy. He has practice now, so she believes him, but she also doesn't need his help. She could take care of them herself.

She could take care of _herself,_ too, but she enjoys how hard he gets when she presses back against him. How he wants her to rehash even the tiniest detail of her intimate encounters, as if he were taking stock, the pervert. She doesn't know if he plans to recreate any of it or if he's trying to figure out what she likes and build on that, make it better somehow.

It's good enough when he does it, when he curls his fingers into her and grinds the heel of his palm against her clit. It's _incredibly_ good when he pushes his fingers into her ass, working them as deep as he can. She gets so wet from just that and wants him inside her then, reaching behind her and guiding his hard length into her. 

He teases her sometimes, rubbing the head against her opening and then only dipping it in, not sliding all the way, before pulling out again. He keeps fingering her ass while he does it, so she can't really complain. She also doesn't complain when he pushes into her a little too hard or uses another finger a little too fast. Just because it's uncomfortable doesn't mean she's not ready for it.

Perhaps it's the anticipation of pain that does it for her, knowing that he's not stretched her enough when she feels him nudge against her back hole. That's a special kind of fear.

It's amazing when he breaches her, just enough pain to make her feel alive but not enough to turn this into gut-wrenching agony. So he _has_ improved on Scottie Mickels: he's taken some of the pain but left all of the pleasure. She writhes in it and Kai's hands roam over the clothes she is still wearing, searching for skin and finding it under her shirt or at her neck, and he grabs a fistful of hair to pull her back toward him and his hot breath puffs across her cheek as he continues stabbing himself into her.

It's overwhelming, Kai is, and she wouldn't want it any other way. It feels good to feel something once in a while, even if it's pain, even if it's pleasure she derived from her brother, even if it's something _for_ her brother, though she doubts it's anything more than fondness.

He's a creep, after all, and a murderer, and he gets off on the emotional distress of other people. So she doesn't give him that luxury. Perhaps that is why he still plays with her, either because he likes someone who can handle their fear of him, or because he's still trying to make her really afraid.

Though why he would is beyond her, when he has so many other potential playthings whose fear response would be unadulterated.

There could be so many reasons and Winter doesn't concern herself with any of them. They don't change anything.

She would still be staying by his side even if he stopped trying to make her feel something. Their huntings and hauntings come close to exciting her, and as long as he keeps those up, she wouldn't be completely bereft.

That is one of the reasons she helps him: as long as he's campaigning and working his way up the political ladder, there's something for their merry little band to do. Perhaps he'll want to take the show on the road one day, branch out, so that the violence his potential voters are supposed to fear can find them in their homes, too. 

It's an ambitious project, but she's bored and she's eager to see everything he is going to change once he holds enough power to do so.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Irresistible" by temposhark.
> 
> Tumblr post for reblogging convenience can be found [here](https://crookedspoonfic.tumblr.com/post/166476238900/kinktober-day-14-incest).


End file.
